Dear frustrated, disappointed, I-can't-believe-where-my-life-is Friend,

Do you have a moment for something that will make you feel better?  If you do, then grab a cup of tea, find a comfy chair to sit in, and read on as I expose some of my life to you:

I have never shared this with anyone…

In 2001, I had already left and came back to my husband twice. I knew the relationship was unhealthy, but I felt obligated to give my children a home with a mother and a father.  I felt trapped because I was scared to be on my own financially while taking care of my children.

Then Sept 11th happened.

I realized two things after that tragedy.  First, I became aware that I had become a prisoner of my own closed-in life.  As I looked around me, I realized that I had no one to talk with about this horrible event…no one to share my thoughts with…and more importantly, no one to share my feelings with. 

Yes, I was in a "committed" relationship.  But my husband was virtually unable to process any type emotion.  I could not talk about it (or anything, actually) with him.  The isolation was overwhelming.

Isolation was not new to me.  Like many women, I had been molested as a child.  Ashamed, embarrassed, and to frightened to communicate what had happened, I shut down from people around me and tried to "heal myself. 

It didn't work when I was a child…and it didn't work after September11th.

I felt terrible about the horrific events in New York and Washington, and I felt worse because I realized that I had no way to express my grief by talking about it with others. I had become so introverted and so cut off from the world around me that I did not have any friends to connect with.

The second thing I learned was less of a realization and more of an awakening.

Many of the people who died on September 11^th simply left their families and went to work that morning, and never came home again. I considered how I'd feel if something like that happened to me.  I looked at my life and said "Is this how I'd want to spend my last day on Earth?"

The answer was no.

I become acutely aware of how precious life is…and how quickly it can be taken from us.  That, in turn, led me to acknowledge that living with a man who made me miserable was not where I wanted to be.  It motivated me to "make a change"…and that was supposed to be the solution.

Surprise!  It was simply the beginning of a new set of problems.

A little more than a month after the Twin Towers fell, my marriage was gone, too.  I filed for a divorce at the end of October 2001. However due to a "glitch" in the court system I had to wait until April 2002 to move out.

Those 6 months were some of the worst of my entire life.

You see, ours was not a "friendly divorce."  It was bitter and acrimonious, and the process took its toll on my self-esteem.  I felt ashamed, embarrassed, guilty, and humiliated.

I felt lower than low…like a worthless piece of garbage.

Fortunately, when I finally was able to move out, I started to feel better.  I was in control and there seemed to be endless possibilities.   As I considered those possibilities, however, I realized that I might be feeling better, but it was going to be a long haul until I started to feel good.

What I started to feel was worried. 

I felt vulnerable and I felt desperate about not having enough money.  I worried that I had no job and no recent work experience.  If I imagined that I did find a job, I worried myself sick wondering about having to put my kids into daycare.

I was scared that I'd never be involved in their school and in their activities… Worried that they would not even be in any activities because I would not be able to drive them, "chained" to a go-nowhere job that didn't allow any flexibility for parenting. 

Worrying was not the "something better" I had wanted for myself.  And the life I was living was definitely not what I had wanted for my children.

We lived in a two-bedroom apartment that backed up directly to an expressway. It was loud and the building construction was so cheap that there was little climate control. The upstairs that summer had to be well over 110 degrees and did not cool much at night.

Times were tough!

I did not like the living conditions, but worse than that, I felt guilty that I was in such a place and with my children no less!   One question kept gnawing at my heart…

Was this going to be the story of my life???

I felt like a horrible mom and a bad person.  I felt as though I was to blame, and those feelings were scarily reminiscent of my childhood.  The emotional scars from the abuse I'd suffered as a child and as a wife were like manifesting themselves and making me a wreck.

Other people scared me and I felt that I would never have any type of healthy relationship.  I thought I was destined to feel like this forever.

On top of that, both my ex-husband and I were living in the same neighborhood as when we were married.  And, as sometimes happens in communities like ours, a couple of "helpful" neighbors shared the "news" that my former spouse was saying bad things about me.

Even though I knew that the stories he might be telling people were untrue, I felt like everybody that I knew believed what he said.  I couldn't fight back; my self-esteem still was not strong enough to stand up for itself…or for me.

How was I supposed to start a new life and function in a community where people look at me and whisper to each other?  I felt humiliated and that humiliation made me want to isolate myself all over again. 

More than that, however, it made me want to change my story…

But how?  I needed to get generate an income. I needed to “heal” emotionally. And, I wanted to use what I already knew to help other people. After some soul-searching, I started taking personal life coaching classes. 

I realized that I wanted to become a counselor, myself.

I enrolled in a Masters of Arts program in professional psychology for a while, watching my student loan obligations grow along with my knowledge.  Yet, despite the effect on my finances, I had to admit the classes were good.  They were instrumental in helping me understand the dynamics of my family and how I had ended up where I was.

Ultimately though, with regrets, I had to stop pursuing the M.A. because it was simply too expensive. And, although I wanted to work with people, especially one-on-one, I wanted to work with people in the capacity of a coach and mentor and not as a licensed therapist.

Time for a new plan.

I was looking for ways to make money and was very impressed with the benefits of successful real estate investing.  After a few months, I began investing in single family, pre-construction homes in Las Vegas and in Arizona.

I was a "babe" in the woods…literally!

Besides all the technical knowledge I needed to learn, I realized that if I was going to have a successful new business that I would have to change my mindset. I would have to build my self-esteem and change my entire outlook on life.

Easier said than done …

To make the change, I "devoured" information products.  I read business success books, went to seminars, listened to CD, subscribe to business magazines, and surfed the 'net for success "models."  I learned about spirituality and universal law.

All of these things were helpful.  Yet, I knew that there were still a couple of pieces missing in my strategy.  

The more I read and learned, the more aware I became that the "gurus' always recommended that you have positive thoughts and affirmations in your mind. And I agree with that to certain extent.   However, I learned from a mentor that …

You must always identify and acknowledge ALL your feelings….the good, the bad, and even the ugly!

Surprise!  Your feelings do not just go away; they must be dealt with. This was something new to me, and the "puzzle piece" that had been missing from my life.

Since that lightening bolt struck me, I have found over time that I am usually able to identify my feelings quickly.  When I do, they seem to just flow in and out effortlessly– instead of harboring inside literally for years, "poisoning" my thoughts and my life.

I learned how important it is to go beyond merely accepting our feelings.  We must not only accept them, but also celebrate them as a tangible demonstration of what makes us human. 

I learned from another mentor that most of our habits are manifested (made tangible) through our subconscious. Therefore, if we want to change who we are, we must change how we think.  That sounded impossible to me, at first, but since then have learned that…

Changing your subconscious is simple…it just requires focus.

I changed subconscious…I changed my habits…and I changed my life.  Today I am a successful stay-at-home working mom with a thriving real estate business.  My office is in the corner of my living room and the things that matter most to me -- my children -- are close at hand. 

My life, which had once been so hellish, has become heaven on earth.  I am able to spend lots of time with my children and am very involved in their many activities, just as I had dreamed of being.

No daycare needed at my house!

Not that it's all been perfect.  My life is, after all, a work in progress.  There are likely to be setbacks and detours along any journey, and I've learned how to respond to those inevitable "bumps in the road" so that I can recover and move on…not end up in a ditch of self-loathing.

When I found myself in a new relationship that began to slowly morph into a clone of my old, bad relationship, I was thankfully able to identify the red flags and respond to them.  Rather than feeling helpless and hopeless, I felt confident enough to end it so that I wouldn't become a prisoner of another destructive situation. 

My self-esteem is going strong! 

My new outlook lets me see the present and the future in a positive light, and it even lets me look back on the past with more clarity.  Instead of railing against the past with my ex-husband, I am now able to be thankful for our time together and for the two divine children that he fathered. 

Rather than being pained by the past, I try to be hopeful for the future.

I admit, it's hard for me to watch his struggles.  Because he's so emotionally out of touch, he can't be true to himself.  And sadly, that means he is selling us all short -- himself, me, his children -- of the beautiful human being that he is. 

But as I said…I'm hopeful.  I know that the universe is perfect, so instead of regretting what isn't, I'll just continue to be thankful for the gifts that my ex-husband has given me and the profound lessons that his presence in my life teaches me everyday.

Today, I live a life of gratitude, and fulfillment.  I have changed my life's outlook from one of despair to one of faith, love, and hope.  I feel at peace, in harmony with the universe as I am now able to follow my life's mission:

To help others find their mission in life…their passion…and to teach them how to use it to build wealth, happiness, and a life of abundance. 

Now it's your turn to transform "Mission Impossible" into "Mission Accomplished."